Why Do I Miss Him So Much?

I just can't figure out why. Why after two years am I all of the sudden thinking about Matthew? I don't understand it. I have been over him for more than two years, and now, out of the blue, I am missing him, wishing things were different. Why? For goodness sakes, WHY!?!?!

So much has happened between us that I don't think we could even  be friends, let alone more than that. So why do I wish that I could hold his hand again? Run my hands through his thick dark hair? Tell him I still love him?

Is it because Lyla is growing up so much? It could be. I look into her eyes and see him. I see him in her eyes every single day. I find myself thinking, "What if he came around and was a father to her?" I know he could be a good father, if only he just tried. And I know she would love him.

Are things ever going to change? Do I even want them to? I am torn in two different directions. I can't seem to put my finger on what I feel, and what I want. I  just don't understand my sudden conflict. Not one little bit.

JOB UPDATE

Hello everyone! Whoot! I have a few minutes here to post somewhat of an update. :) As you can probably tell from my writing, I am doing much better than the last time I "talked" to you all. I have had a few days to sort some things out, and truth be told, I am kind of excited about starting this new independant life. Yeah, I really wish I could walk down the aisle with my class, but you know what, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter all the much. I will still have a diploma, just not a HIGH SCHOOL diploma. Big whoop.



Anyways, I went off for a few hours job hunting today. Over the past two days I have been applying everywhere I could think of online. My main place being at Safeway {I worked there when I was 15 before I got preg} So I actually went into the store today to talk with one of the managers. He was very pleased that I was available anyday anytime. He took my number and said he would give me a call as soon as he passed my info onto the head boss. :) Sounds promising to me.



Just in case that falls through, I also applied at a few other places. I applied at Bashas', McDonalds, and Best Buy. I will be going out again looking for more places to apply once my car is fixed. I am actually feeling really good about this. :) I think everything is going to work out. Though, there is one thing...



Okay, so, long story short, Matt's {baby daddy} girlfriend, Ashley works at Safeway. Doh!!! Yeah, she and Matt have been together since I was about three months pregnant. He was all but stalking me when I broke up with him almost two years ago. Saying "we will get married" and "I love you so much" blah blah blah. I fell for it everytime, but once word got out I was pregnant, he ran the other way. Now its almost been two years, and him and his precious skank little beauty are supposidly getting married. {Good riddance I say} She can help pay for Lyla's child support.



Okay, I am just ranting now, but honestly, she is like class 10 white trash. It actually makes me feel better to know that he downgraded. And he, by the way, turned into a major tool. Gauged his ears, mohawked his hair, bleached it blonde; ya know, the whole nine yards. And this guy is 20!! Ugh! >.<



So anyways, that's my update for the day. Sorry if that made absolutely no sense, I just really needed to vent a little. Also, I hope I don't get in trouble for this buuuut...wanna see a picture of Ashley and Matt? Okay, I will show you. You decide if he downgraded or not. First I will show you a picture of Matthew {mind you, he really was cute when I dated him}. Then comes the picture of Ashley. Enjoy.

They are perfect for each other huh?? Oh they are going to make such beautiful babies!!! NOT!!! I am sooo glad Lyla looks like me. Seriously. Ugh, sorry for all the meaness. Most people don't see this side of me, but seeing her just provokes so many angry memories. Its okay, "vengence is mine" Thus sayeth the Lord. >:}

REALITY CHECK

Life. It comes at you fast. I think every normal human being can attest to that. For some reason, I have been living in this delusion that life doesn't effect me. I can beat it. I can just squeeze by without the slightest bit of responsibility. NEWS FLASH: I can't.

Yesterday was one of the biggest turning points in my life. This car accident has really shown me and my family some things. The main one being: I cannot be a teenager any longer. I am a mother. 21 months ago I became a mother. I became a mother the day I found out I was pregnant. Goodbye teenager hood, hello mommy hood.

My family and I have recently made some VERY tough decisions. Some that I almost don't want to talk about. Some that are leaving me feeling raw and helpless. On the flip side, I am excited. I know that through these tough decisions, I will start to feel more independent. I will truly be a mother to my daughter, 100%.

Lyla is my life. I take care of her every day. I am her rock. I am her mommy. But that's all I am. I am not her provider. As much as I want to be, I am not. You see, I am only raising Lyla half way. My parents pay for everything. I do not have a job. Every single thing that Lyla needs financially, comes from them. That is one thing that is going to change.

The first step to achieving Independence is in the form of me getting a job. I am dropping out of school. Yes, I thought I would be a different sort of teen mom. One that finishes school and walks with her class. Well, guess what, I AM A TEEN MOM!! I am going to do what I have too, to provide for Lyla. Yesterday was my official last day on a high school campus. I am grieving this tremendously, but I know in my heart it is the right thing.

Come Monday, when I get my car back, I am off job hunting. I will take the very first job that comes my way. Once I finally do find a good job, I am going to get my GED. I am going to study hard, and pass it. Once I get my GED, and turn 18, I will be able to get a much more rewarding job. Will I be making 30 bucks an hour? Probably not. But at least I will be providing for my daughter financially.

Lastly, I am pushing Lyla's father for child support. Matthew helped create our beautiful daughter, and he needs to help out too. It shouldn't have to be my parents footing the bill while I run around and play teenager. Nope, I am a mommy, 100%, and that's what I want to be. I hate high school anyways!! Matthew is going to help with our daughter. He needs to help with her. With his child support, and my new job, I will be able to provide for my daughter. Yeah, its gonna be really hard. Yeah, I am probably going to cry a lot. Yeah, I am going to miss out on so many thing. But what I will receive from this is so much greater than anything I can even fathom. I know God knows what He is doing, and I am going to trust Him with my whole heart.

With all that being said, I may not be posting in here as much as I usually do. One of my problems is that I have a major Internet addiction. I will admit it, I LOVE THE COMPUTER! I want to eventually go to college and have a career with computers, but that isn't my focus right now. This computer isn't mine, it is my parents'. I do not know if I will be allowed to use it much, or if at all. I hope that I will be able to continue my blogging, and recording of my life with Lyla, but right now, I am not making that my priority. If all of my dear followers feel the need to remove my blog from your list, then I very much understand, but I hope you will stick in this with me.

I love sharing my story, and documenting my life. I hope to continue to do that through these difficult and stressful times coming. Please please pray for me. I could use all the prayer I can get! Thank you all for listening, and I hope I will be back soon to update you all. God bless.

REMEMBERING THAT DAY 8 YEARS AGO...

Spetember 11, 2001 will be another day that will live in infamy. Words cannot even begin to describe the tragedy that happened on that fateful day. So many were lost in both the four hijacked flights, and in the World Trade Center. Panic spewed across America, and everyone came together as one to watch the terror unfolding in New York City.

I was nine that year. I woke up to go to school like any other day. I padded into the living room and saw Dad sitting on the couch watching the news. I didn't really think anything of it at the time, since that what he did every morning. But once I finally glanced up at the screen, what I say shocked me! I was only nine. I didn't really know much about terrorists and hijacking, but I did know that whatever was unfolding before me was not a good thing.

Dad explained to me what was happening, and I just kinda froze. I was young. I didn't really share the panic that Dad felt, but seeing him so shaken up frightened me. I remember that I kept thinking a plane was going to crash into our house at any given moment. I was so frightened.

Alexa and I finally went to school. I was in 4th grade. The ominous silence around the school was erie. The teachers were just as shaken at my Daddy was. I remember that we didn't even do anything in class that day. We just sat in our desks watching the terror unfold, as news anchors tried to broadcast what was happening in New York.

That day will forever live on in my mind, as I am sure it will in yours as well. I do not think America will ever be the same. It showed us that we were vulnerable, and that they could hurt us. That frightens me greatly.

To those who lost someone on that tragic day 8 years ago, I want you to know that I am praying for you on this painful day. I cannot imagine having to relive that day over and over in your head. Go with God today. He will lead you. You will get through it. Bless you all.

So, where were you on that fateful day? What was going through your head? Please take a few minutes today to pray for those who were lost on September 11, 2001. God be with us!

TWO DOLLAR TEARS

Today Lyla received her very first birthday card in the mail. My lovely Aunt Cathy is not able to make it to Lyla's party this Sunday so she sent Lyla a wonderful little card. The card was wonderful, and what she wrote was sweet, but the really wonderful thing was what was inside the card.

Just a little flashback to my younger years. LOL! So every year when our birthdays rolled along, my grandma Marty would send us a wonderful card with $2 inside. No matter how old we got it was always two dollars. This is a tradition that I have been a part of since I can remember.

Last December {right before I found out I was pregnant} my grandma Marty passed away. She was pretty old and just sort of gave up. She was a wonderful lady, and I wish I would have been able to be with her more. She lived all the way in Phoenix and just couldn't come down to our neck of the woods much. Her funeral was lovely, and it was a wonderful time of remembering my wonderful grandma who always sent me two dollars every year. :)

So, can you guess what was tucked in with Lyla's card? Yep, you guessed it, two dollar bills. I honestly almost started bawling right there! It was such an amazing moment, seeing those two 1's peeking from inside the card. I am so happy that Aunt Cathy chose to carry on this tradition of the $2. It makes me remember my sweet hearted grandmother, who I just realized I miss greatly.

Thank you for listening to this wonderful moment I experienced today. I know you probably wont understand what is so great about two dollars, but I was so touched to see them. One day I will share this story with Lyla, and perhaps she will somehow be connected to the great-grandmother she never had a chance to meet.

FLASHBACK...

I just thought that it would be cool if we all flashed back to the day that I had Lyla. I just recently wrote down my whole Labor & Deliver story, and I thought it would be cool to share it with you all. I know that most of you already know how it went down, but some of you don't, so here it is....

--------------------------------------------------------------------

About three weeks prior to having Lyla, I had gone into the hospital because I thought I had started my labor. This was August 20th, so it was still a bit early. After hours at the hospital, I was told that I was in early labor and that I should go home. At that point I was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced. My Mom and I thought labor was just around the corner, but nothing happened for three weeks!

So it’s now September 2nd and I have a routine OB appointment. My Mom takes off work to come with me, just in case the doctor sees anything or I go into labor. My doctor checks me and I am the same as I was three weeks ago. Ugh! She strips my membranes, and asks me if I had any questions. I ask her if it is possible for me to get an induction since I have been in early labor for three weeks. It was VERY uncomfortable. She checks with L&D and informs me that I can head on over there. Yay!

So we got over to L&D and they tell me that they want me to come in at 10PM the following day for my induction. I can’t believe Lyla is almost here!

At 10PM my Mom and I drive the 45 minute drive to the hospital. They get me set up in a room, and guess what? I have the same nurse who took care of me in triage three weeks earlier! LOL! She was SUPER nice! LOL! Anywho, she goes over my birthing plan with me, hooks me up to an IV and tells me that they will begin the Pitocin at 4:30AM.

Mom and I both sleep, and then they finally start the Pitocin. About an hour goes by and I have having strong contractions, but absolutely no pain. Misty (my nurse) ups the dosage about three times, but still there is no pain. Around 6AM I decide to back into bed and catch some much needed rest. I sleep for about an hour and a half, and am woken up by Misty who says she needs to check me. She does and says I am about 4cm and 90% effaced. She ups the dosage again and leaves.

Around 8AM Misty comes in with another nurse, Diane, who will be taking care of me the rest of my labor. I thank Misty and greet Diane. Diane tells me that Dr. Fara (who is not my normal OB) will be in at 9:30AM to break my water, and that should hopefully speed things up. Mom calls Dad and Alexa to tell them to get down here.

As promised, Dr. Fara comes in at 9:30. He is a very nice man. He checks me and I am about the same as I was before. He breaks my water, and amniotic fluid gushes to the floor. That is probably one of the weirdest things I have ever experienced in my life. Its like you are peeing yourself, but you have no control over it. You can’t stop the flow. LOL!

Anywho, Dad and Lexy show up and Mom and Dad go downstairs to get some breakfast. Me and Lexy watch Law and Order. My contractions are finally starting to hurt. At first they are bearable, but then they get crazy! Alexa doesn’t know what to do. I am wincing in pain. I ask her to turn off the TV and call Mom. But Mom walks in just then. I remember her telling me that she just knew something was wrong. I guess its that motherly intuition.

So Diane comes in and checks me, I am 5cm 95% effaced. Mom tells her I want a birthing ball to sit on. I sit on that thing for an hour. The contractions are excruciating, but Mom helps me breath through them. All the while sitting on that ball, fluid is still rushing to the floor. EW! LOL!

So it’s now 11:00 and I am feeling like I need to get back into bed. I cannot hold myself up any longer. Once in bed the nurse tells me that Lyla’s heartbeat is irregular. They give me a shot of Stadol in my IV to help calm me down. It did not take away any of the pain, but it really did help me relax. Diane also checked me and I was 6cm and 100%.

Now it’s about 11:20 and I feel the strong urge to push. I didn’t say anything because Diane had just checked me and I was nowhere near ready to push. Finally it became to unbearable and Mom called the nurse. All she had to do was look at me down there and she says, “Yep! You going to have a baby!” Everyone rushes into the room. Dr. Fara, Diane, Diana the Nursery Nurse, and two nursing students. Lexy and Mom take their places at my head, and Daddy practically runs out of the room.

I start to push, and I fail miserably. Dr. Fara steps back because he thinks this is going to take hours. Finally I get the hang of the pushing thing the second time, and he runs back toward me. LOL! “Maybe this won’t take so long after all!” After about 10 mins of pushing, Dr. Fara tells me that he can make a small episiotomy and Lyla will be born in a matter of minutes. Without any hesitation I t he can make a small episiotomy and Lyla will be born in a matter of minutes. Without any hesitation I yell, “DO IT!” Everyone laughs and he makes the cut.

Her head is crowning now and Dr. tells me to stop pushing. The cord is around her neck, and he needs to get it off. He unwinds the cord and now tells me to give him a small puff push. I do, and out comes her head. After another push her shoulders pass, and out comes my beautiful girl!

I am so tired that I lay my head back and forget what just happened. Mom yells, “Oh Kylee! She’s so beautiful!” I look and see my daughter. Diana hands Lyla to me and I cannot contain my awe. She is finally here! She was so beautiful, even covered in all the blood and guts.

After 15 minutes of pushing, I had my baby girl. She was finally here. She got a 9 on her first APGAR score and then a 10 in her second. Daddy came into the room once I was all cleaned up and sewed up, and held Lyla for the first time. It was a beautiful ending to our very long and painful journey over the past 9 months. Lyla Jayne is finally here!

Stats:

• Weight - 6lbs 10oz
• Length - 20 inches
• Due Date - Setember 7th, 2008
• Birthday - September 4th, 2008
• Hair - Light Brown
• Eyes - Blue
• Proud Mommy - Kylee!!!!

I love you Lyla! Your birth was the best thing that has ever happend to me! Mommy will never forget that day. I love you forever and ever! ♥
---------------------------------------------------------------