Too Busy To Blog (Posts Coming Soon)

I'm sorry for the lack of blogging once again. But I have a good reason this time. LOL! Chris is home and I have been spending every single day with him and Lyla, and by the time I hang out with him all day, and then go to school, I am just too beat to even think about posting. I know all of my followers are probably losing faith in me, since I keep disappearing. LOL! But please just stick with me! I will be back, I promise! Love you all!

It's Monday!

I just wanted to wish all my followers a happy Monday. I hope everyone's evening is filled with puppies and lolly pops. LOL!

Sorry For Being MIA

Hey blogy friends. I just wanted y'all to know that I did not die. Lol. I have just been uber busy with school, housework, Lyla, and just life. Haha. I do plan to return to you all soon so stick with me. I love you al very mucho. hehe

P.S. I alsomay not be "single" for much longer. :P Stay tuned. Lol

Spring Has Sprung

Yes ladies and gents, the Vernal Equinox has made her debut! For us out here in AZ it is a bitter sweet time. While we enjoy the warmer weather, Spring is just another reminder that the 100+ degree weather is just around the corner.

Although the Summer is on it's way, for now, I will sit back and enjoy the warmer days and cooler evenings. Plus I can wear dresses! YES!! Oh, and who can forget the beautiful blooming flowers? So pretty! Happy Spring everyone!

Why Do I Miss Him So Much?

I just can't figure out why. Why after two years am I all of the sudden thinking about Matthew? I don't understand it. I have been over him for more than two years, and now, out of the blue, I am missing him, wishing things were different. Why? For goodness sakes, WHY!?!?!

So much has happened between us that I don't think we could even  be friends, let alone more than that. So why do I wish that I could hold his hand again? Run my hands through his thick dark hair? Tell him I still love him?

Is it because Lyla is growing up so much? It could be. I look into her eyes and see him. I see him in her eyes every single day. I find myself thinking, "What if he came around and was a father to her?" I know he could be a good father, if only he just tried. And I know she would love him.

Are things ever going to change? Do I even want them to? I am torn in two different directions. I can't seem to put my finger on what I feel, and what I want. I  just don't understand my sudden conflict. Not one little bit.

Guys Are Jerks

Enough said.

Don't Ever Break Your Vacuum

Seriously. Treat your vacuum cleaner like one of your own children. I am not even kidding. About three weeks ago our vacuum bit the dust, so to speak, and none of us rushed to replace it. Big mistake. As many of you know, I am a bit of a clean freak, and going three weeks without vacuuming almost sent me into a conniption fit. Our floor didn't really look dirty, but I just knew it was. I knew I was walking on dust, and dog hair, and dead skin cells. Ugh, the thought just makes me shutter!

Thank God that my parents FINALLY replaced our deceased vacuum yesterday! It is a beautiful little machine that really works great! It's one of those upright vacuums where you can see all the dust and gunk swirling around in the bag. I love that because I know that my floor is getting clean. And boy did we clean. Once the thing was all assembled, my mom flipped that switch and got to work. After about 60 seconds the bag was full...

Yeah, gross. I know. We had to actually vacuum about three times until we were satisfied that I floor was clean. Heck, we even vacuumed more today, and STILL found more dirt and dust! But I think everything is all spic and span now. I will now be able to vacuum every week! Whoop!

So, take my word for it: do NOT break your vacuum, because you could be walking on layers and layers of nasty stuff. Happy cleaning! :)

I Totally Need . . .

...a new layout. I love love love the one I have now, but I feel like I need to revamp my blog a bit. Give it a fresh look. I think I might need to change the name of it too. I don't know for sure though. Any suggestions on a new name? I am so bad at coming up with them. Haha! But even if I don't change the title, I will be changing the layout. I just need something new. :)

Snow Day Equals Insomnia?

We had a snow day from school tonight. {yes we have snow days in Arizona} It was such an amazing blessing since I wasn't feeling like going to school. Since I live out in the middle of nowhere, I have to drive an hour north {usually in the snow and ice} to get to school. So you can imagine how relieved I was to not have to drive my little Honda Civic up the freezing mountains.

It was sooooooo nice to have the chance to hang out with my family this evening, which I don't normally get to do since I go to school 5 days a week. And I just LOVED hanging with my baby girl all evening too. I miss being able to tuck her in, and feed her dinner, and give her good-night smooches, and pray with her, and sing "Jesus Loves Me" to her when she goes to bed. Every night it just makes me so sad that I can't be there to do those things for her. But tonight, it was a rare treat to be able to do so.

Once I did all these things, and the Squirt was finally in bed, Mom, Lexy, and I watched a new episode of House and The Biggest Loser. It's funny how you can bond with others over something as simple as watching a TV show together. We laughed, we cried, we yelled at the TV and it was all good. It was a super-duper awesome evening.

But now its almost midnight and I CANT SLEEP! I mean, this is supposed to be my special day off. I am supposed to be able to catch up on my sleep since I don't usually get to bed until 11:30 on normal school nights. ARGGGG! I just want to sleep, but my stupid insomnia decided to pay a visit to me. *pouts* So I figured I would blog a bit in hopes of tiring my eyes enough to ease into a peaceful slumber. And I think it's working. Yay! Sweet dreams everyone!

Staying Positive

Yesterday during school out instructor has us do this really amazing exercise. It was kinda cheesy and cliche, but it was really empowering. What she did was tape a piece of paper onto all of our backs and then had us go around and write something positive about each person. Now, if anyone has ever heard the rumor that Beauty School has more drama than a day-time soap opera, then you have pretty much heard a very accurate description. Beauty School is FULL of drama. Horrible, horrible drama. So as you can imagine, there are some people in the class who don't like other people.

That being said, it was very hard for some of us to find positive things to say about some of the other students. We all really tried though, and the end result was really awesome. Everyone un-taped their papers, and read what the other students had to say about them, and smiles broke out across the room. It was really powerful.

This exercise made me realize something. Wouldn't life be much more enjoyable if everyone focused on the positive instead of the negative? I mean, I know its human nature to judge those we see, but we really don't know what another person has gone through. I am a young mother and I sure as heck don't want someone to judge me  before they get to know me. If they got to know me they would see that I am an awesome mother, and a cool person to hang around [I hope! LOL!]

So my new goal is this: I am going to try to say one positive thing to every person I talk to, every single day. Through this exercise, maybe I will learn to actually talk to someone before I judge them on how they look, or how they talk, or how they carry themselves. I really want to help make the world a better place, and share the love of God with others. How am I ever going to do that if I am negative all the time? I'M NOT!!

At the end of the week, I will be posting what I learned from this little experiment, and if any of you choose to take my latest challenge, then come on back here on Saturday and share what you learned through your "Stay Positive" exercise. Good luck everyone! May the Force be with you! :D

Mistakes

Has anyone ever made one? Well I have. I have made some big ones. Life is full of mistakes that you wish you could take back, but the reality is, you can't. As hard as we wish on that shooting star, we cannot, CANNOT take back our mistakes.

Sometimes I really wish I could. I wish so hard that my head hurts. I wish so hard that sometimes I even start to weep. I am sure many of you understand what I am describing. Mistakes are really hard things to overcome, whether they are big or small.

I know many of you may be wondering what the heck I am talking about, and I want to clarify that I am NOT talking about Lyla. Lyla was not a mistake. The act in which created her was, but she was not. Not in any, way, shape or form. I love her with all of my heart, and without her I wouldn't be who I am today.

This brings me to my point: from mistakes bloom wonderful lessons. Lessons in which we can use to better our lives. I know it is really hard to believe that in the midts of your mistake, but it is so true! Through my many, many mistakes I have learned some of life's biggest lessons. So in a demented kind of way, I am glad I made those mistakes, because without those mistakes, I wouldn't have learned the lessons I needed to in order to better my life.

In closing I would like to say this: if anyone has ever made a mistake--big or small--then take a deep, cleansing breath and relax, you are not alone. We all make mistakes and do things we deeply regret, but good things do come from them. So my challenge for you is to think over some of the biggests mistakes that you have made. Think long and hard over them. Did something good come out of it in the long run? If that answer it no, then maybe you just have to wait a bit longer. :)

I would like to leave you a few quotes for you to chew on while to ponder my question. Have a blessed evening all!

"All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes.” Winston Churchill

"I am your God ..... I made you and will care for you; I will give you help and rescue you." Isaiah 46:4

I"f you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down." Mary Pickford

I'm BAAAAAAAAACK!

And this time, I plan to stay!

Man, I can't even tell you all how much I missed blogging. It was like my only form of release from my crazy life! LOL! I guess you all are probably wondering where in the heck I was for almost 4 months? Well, I won't bore you with the WHOLE story, but I will tell you this: I had a few personal issues that I needed to work out with my family. I also needed to find a way to straiten out my priorities. It was rocky these past 4 months, but once again I have grown.

I started Beauty School on December 7th, and I am loving it! That is probably the biggest change that has happened since I was gone. I really needed to get out and DO something, and since a job was obviously NOT going to happen, I decided to check out the Cosmetology industry. So far everything is going awesome! I have made a few really good friends, and I am learning so many new things.

Lyla has also been growing and changing. She will be a year and a half on Thursday. Can you all believe it!?! When I started this blog, she was only about 1 month old! =O She is now not only walking, but running as well. She is starting to talk too. She can say things like "Hi" "bye-bye" "all done" "wow" "Hi Jeff" [our dog] "thank you" "bless you" and so on and so forth. I really can't believe how much she is growing!

So I realize that this post was kinda scatter-brained, but I was trying to think of everything I wanted to say, but I guess I will just have to update you all along the way. I hope all my readers will come on back to my blog every now and again to catch up. And I promise that you are stuck with me. I am not going ANYWHERE!

Sweet dreams, and God bless!

I'M A BLOGGING SLACKER

Yes friends, I know I have been slacking in the blogging department. Life has been hectic lately. Not really anything in particular, just lots of little things. I do have some cute pictures to post of Lyla and whatnot, but alas, I am too lazy to do that at the moment.

Instead, how about a quick update? Yes? Okay. :)

• Lyla is now cutting 7 teeth! Two top ones have already popped in.
• She is also starting to take steps in between the furniture! She is getting so brave, and I suspect she will be walking soon.
• I still haven't taken my GED yet, but I will be soon. I have to go down and register on one day, and then take the test on another, which would be fine if I didn't live a freaking HOUR away from the school!
• I have another photo shoot this weekend! I am so excited!
• My hair is getting hecka long, and I can't decide if I want to cut it again, or let it grow out some more. Any thoughts?
• My sister is FINALLY done with volleyball!!
• Its been so cold here! Yes, Arizona can be cold. It was 55° here for the HIGH! But, by Sunday its supposed to be back to 85! Will you just make up your mind already weather!?!
• We got our dog a shock collar. Muhahahaha!

Okie doke, there you have it. Some random updates. I apologize that my life if uber borning at the moment. I hope you can all bare with me until something interesting happens! Haha! So, how have ya'll been?

SADNESS

Its swallowing me. I can't seem to see through it. I feel as if in one day my life is slowly slipping. Why do I feel this way? Why can I never seem to feel truly happy? Why do I feel as if I am a failure at everything? Bad sister, bad daughter, bad friend. Bad mommy. Why can't I seem to get a grip on life? What am I doing wrong? I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling as if nothing I do will ever matter. I hate disappointing those who love me the most. Especially Lyla.

Will life ever be mine again? Will I ever feel loved? Will I ever feel accepted? When? When will I feel this? What am I doing wrong? It seems as though no matter what I do, its not good enough. What is good enough? How can I be good enough? Someone, please tell me! I am feeling empty. I am feeling alone. I don't want to feel this way. I mask it in a fake smile. I don't want to mask it anymore. I wan't someone to see it. I want someone to reach out. I want someone to ask me if I'm okay.

Did I make the right choice? Was I listening to God, or my own self? I am lost in a sea of uncertainty. How can I swim out? I am reaching, reaching out to Him. Will He answer me? Will He take my hand and love me like I want to be loved? Will He, no matter how many times I falter, still love me with all his being? I certainly hope so.

A LITTLE UPDATE

I am sitting here waiting for my beautiful Lyla to wake up, so I decided to post somewhat of an update. :)

Life has been pretty good. I have not been out job hunting again, but I have been applying everywhere I can online. I was also supposed to have another inter view with the Medical Office I will be working at in January, but the woman I was meeting with has the flu. :( Poor thing. So I am just chilling today. Lexy has a volleyball game later, and those are always fun to watch. :)

Tomorrow I have to go to Defensive Driving school for the ticket I got {oh joy} but I think it should be good. Its gonna be a LONG evening, but I really think it will be informative and helpful.

I am sort of starting the process for the child support stuff. I have been in contact with my lawyer, but we have been doing a bit of phone tag recently, but we are getting there. I can't wait until I get this all finished and Matthew helps pay for Lyla. It will be such a relief.

I finished up my very first photo shoot two weekends ago. It went EXTREMELY well, and my customers were satisfied. I was happy because I got paid for doing the thing I love the most. LOL! {Note: be watching out for my Photography Blog that will be up and running soon.}

I got my GED book last week, so I am studying hard for that. It is actually REALLY easy. I probably don't even have to study and I would pass, but I want to anyways. If all goes as planned, I should have it by the end of the month.

Well, my child is fussing so I must retrieve her. Thanks for helping me pass the time guys. :)

FEELING A LITTLE BLUE

Just feeling a little down lately. I can't tell if it is because of the job situation, or if it is because of this visitor that has been here ALL week. Perhaps it is both. At any rate, there is one thing, and one thing only that I like to do when I am feeling blue: Look at Lyla's beautiful face. And since she isn't awake at the moment, I am going to post some pictures of our favorite, and most fun daily activity:

BATHTIME!!!

A VERY DISCOURAGING DAY

Today I traveled an hour outside of town to look for work. I went to about a million places. Here is the run-down of what happened:

• Target: Not hiring.
• Barnes & Nobel: Not hiring.
• Macayo's, TGIFriday's, Carraba's: Not hiring busers.
• Paridise Bakery: Told me to apply online.
• Kohls: Filled out application, but the lady was really rude. Doesn't look promising.
• Michael's & Office Max: Told me to apply online.
• Sprouts: Not hiring.
• All 3 of the Starbucks': Not hiring, but I did leave my resume.
• Jack-in-the-Box: Not hiring
• IHOP: Not hiring busers
• Best Buy: Told me that they would review my online application.
• Lowes & Home Depot: Have to be 18 to work there.

My day was VERY discouraging. :( It was not good, but I am keeping my head held high. I did have a few nice things happen though. While at Target, I used Lyla's $50 gift card to buy her some cute wintery clothes. :) So adorable! I also got my GED study book while at B&N. I took the first practice test and did pretty good {with the exception of math.}

Tomorrow's agenda: sitting at home, filling out all the online applications I can. Then Wednesday, its off to the mall an hour away to search once more. Ugh! Please pray that I get a freaking job!!!

FOR THE LOVE OF CHANGING MY MIND

You people honestly must think I am schizo or something. Haha! I have changed my mind YET again. I was thinking long and hard today about the decision to go back to school. I just can't do it. I do not see me doing school for another 4 months when I could be out working, getting my GED, and going to college. I want to be independent. I want to be able to live on my own come this summer. I DO NOT want to be at that crappy school that I hate any longer.

I know that a lot of you are huge school advocates, but for me, this just isn't an option anymore, and I don't want it to be. My family and I are sticking to our choices. I have accepted that my childhood is over, so there is no need to keep trying to get it back. I don't want it back to be honest. I want to start my life. I want to live on my own, make my own money, and eventually start college classes that will help me reach my goal one day.

I am ready for my life to start, and going back to school is only going to postpone it. I do not want that. I feel like I have been so wishy-washy, and I am sorry for that. It honestly makes my head hurt! Haha! I swear, this is my choice, and I am sticking to it!

So, come Monday, I am off in search of a job again. Hopefully by December/January, I will have that job in the medical office. By October I am going to have my GED, and I am still pushing Matthew for child support. I pray that by the Summer of 2010, Lyla and I will have an apartment in town. Just the two of us. That is my goal, and I am going to do everything in my power to accomplish it.

Thank you, my friends, for listening to this crazy blogger. I hope your head doesn't hurt as much as mine. :P But I will leave you with this good news: Tomorrow I have my first ever PHOTO SHOOT!!! OMGosh! And its not just any old photo shoot, I am actually getting paid! Haha! YES!! I have a few more shoots lined up in the coming weeks as well. These are the kinds of things I want to do, not be in boring old school. I really am "to cool for school." And don't you forget it!

Love you all! Thanks for listening to me once again!

I HAD AN INTERVIEW THIS MORNING

Last night I got a text message from one of the mom's who's daughter is on my sister's volleyball team. It simply said this: "Give me a call. I have a job op for you." Needless to say, I called her right then and there.

Once I got a hold of her, she explained to me that a new medical office just opened up right across the hall from her, and that they were looking for a potential Admin Assistant. She had gone over there yesterday and pretty much bragged about me. The woman (Michelle) told my her to tell me that she would be happy to interview me today! I almost jumped for joy when I heard this.

So this morning I dropped Lyla off at her baby sitter's, then headed on over to the new office. All I can say is "wow." God surely does answer prayers. Michelle was sooooo friendly, and super professional. She asked me all kinds of questions and was very impressed with me. I had {thankfully} typed up a resume last week, so that was good to go.

Basically she said that I was hired. She was very impressed at my professional outlook, and my youthfulness. She let me know that she had to, by courtesy, let a few of the other ladies in there main office apply for the job, but she isn't confident that they will want it. I hopefully be starting this job sometime around December or January depending on how fast they can get up and running. So in the mean time, I need to find another job. If this one doesn't pan out, then I will always have a backup.

I am so very happy to share this good news with you all today. I just have a feeling that this is all going to work out. I have faith that God is going to get me into that office, and that I am going to build a nice career out of it for a while. I am very very excited. I still ask for prayer, though, since there is a small chance that this will not work out, but I am going to trust that it will.

JOB UPDATE

Hello everyone! Whoot! I have a few minutes here to post somewhat of an update. :) As you can probably tell from my writing, I am doing much better than the last time I "talked" to you all. I have had a few days to sort some things out, and truth be told, I am kind of excited about starting this new independant life. Yeah, I really wish I could walk down the aisle with my class, but you know what, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter all the much. I will still have a diploma, just not a HIGH SCHOOL diploma. Big whoop.



Anyways, I went off for a few hours job hunting today. Over the past two days I have been applying everywhere I could think of online. My main place being at Safeway {I worked there when I was 15 before I got preg} So I actually went into the store today to talk with one of the managers. He was very pleased that I was available anyday anytime. He took my number and said he would give me a call as soon as he passed my info onto the head boss. :) Sounds promising to me.



Just in case that falls through, I also applied at a few other places. I applied at Bashas', McDonalds, and Best Buy. I will be going out again looking for more places to apply once my car is fixed. I am actually feeling really good about this. :) I think everything is going to work out. Though, there is one thing...



Okay, so, long story short, Matt's {baby daddy} girlfriend, Ashley works at Safeway. Doh!!! Yeah, she and Matt have been together since I was about three months pregnant. He was all but stalking me when I broke up with him almost two years ago. Saying "we will get married" and "I love you so much" blah blah blah. I fell for it everytime, but once word got out I was pregnant, he ran the other way. Now its almost been two years, and him and his precious skank little beauty are supposidly getting married. {Good riddance I say} She can help pay for Lyla's child support.



Okay, I am just ranting now, but honestly, she is like class 10 white trash. It actually makes me feel better to know that he downgraded. And he, by the way, turned into a major tool. Gauged his ears, mohawked his hair, bleached it blonde; ya know, the whole nine yards. And this guy is 20!! Ugh! >.<



So anyways, that's my update for the day. Sorry if that made absolutely no sense, I just really needed to vent a little. Also, I hope I don't get in trouble for this buuuut...wanna see a picture of Ashley and Matt? Okay, I will show you. You decide if he downgraded or not. First I will show you a picture of Matthew {mind you, he really was cute when I dated him}. Then comes the picture of Ashley. Enjoy.

They are perfect for each other huh?? Oh they are going to make such beautiful babies!!! NOT!!! I am sooo glad Lyla looks like me. Seriously. Ugh, sorry for all the meaness. Most people don't see this side of me, but seeing her just provokes so many angry memories. Its okay, "vengence is mine" Thus sayeth the Lord. >:}