A Time To Remember (Part One)

So all throughout my blogging journey, I have assumed that you, all of my loyal followers, knew pretty much everything my story entailed. Then I got to thinking, most of you probably don't. Oh sure, you know I am a teen mom, and that I am not with the father, and you know all about Lyla. But do you really know the whole story? Some of you might. Some of you may have read my blog, Memoirs of a Teenage Mother, in which I share the most intimate details of my pregnancy, but some of you may have not. So starting today I want to share my whole story with you. I want you all to really see first had what I went through as a 16 year old girl going through an unplanned pregnancy. I will post these randomly when I see fit, so check back often. Let's get started.

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January 1, 2008 - The Day that Started the Journey

As I sit here in my living room I know there is something growing inside of me. Whether that is fear or a tiny person, I am not yet certain. Today I am going to convince Mom to let me stay with Matt. I love him, at least I think I do, I am not certain of anything at this moment.

There is a knock at the door. Lindamarie has arrived. I know she can help me. I know she will understand my side of the story. I know she will help me get back together with Matt. I have been seeing her for a few months now. She is a wonderful counselor. Surly she will understand the love I feel for Matthew.

In she comes, with a big smile and a warm hug as always. I know things will go my way today. I decide that I want to talk with Lindamarie alone. I tell her what I am feeling. I tell her how it is not fair that Mom and Dad made me and Matt break up just because I was home ten minutes late. Lindamarie does not seem to agree with me. Why is everyone against Matt and I? Why don't they see how much we love each other?

We keep talking, she is asking me something. Something that I do not want to admit to. "Did you and Matt have sex Kylee?" How did we get on this topic? For some reason I am shaking my head "yes." The truth has finally come spilling out of me. Sweat is breaking on my brow. I am so scared. Mom and Dad are going to disown me. I am a horrible person. More words are coming now, words I have been wanting to say aloud, "I haven't had my period yet." I watch as the color drains from Lindamarie's face. She is calling Mom back into the room.

Mom looks worried. I repeat what I had just told Lindamarie only minutes earlier. With a sense of déjà vu, I watch as the color drains from my Mother's face. This is not what was supposed to come of my first boyfriend. After a good long cry, Lindamarie leaves to let Mom and I talk. I am so scared. I feel like Mom hates me. I feel like she thinks I am not the person she thought I was. I hate disappointing Mom. I hate it.

She starts to cry harder, which she doesn't do often. My heart starts racing. Oddly, she does not seem angry with me, she just seems as scared as I am. We decide to let Dad and Alexa know about Matt and I, and what went on between us.

We are in the bedroom. Alexa and Dad look worried. Mom flat out tells them that Matt and I had sex and that I could be pregnant. Alexa's face turns red. She is furious, both with Matt and with me. What kind of example am I setting for my sister? Not a very good one. I am lost. Dad just looks sad, crushed even. Grandma Marty just died a week ago, and my Dad is already in a state of grieving. What have I done? I let the heat of the moment come over me, and for what? Disappointment from everyone who cares for me.

We keep talking out the situation. We do not even know if I am pregnant yet, but none of us are hopeful. I just know that there is a child growing inside of me. I am torn. I do not know what to say or do. I just want to go into my room and die. Mom and Dad are acting as calm as can be expected. They keep saying that "it is what it is, and we cannot change it. It is done." That is true. I cannot take back what Matt and I did. I wish I could.

Mom decides that she will pick up a home pregnancy test tomorrow after work. I am NOT looking forward to taking it, but I know that it has to be done. We all are in a state of shock. I decide to go to bed, I am feeling very tired, I wonder if this is a sign of pregnancy. I suppose I will know more tomorrow.

I close my eyes now, and dream of the life that may be growing inside of me...